You know that feeling? The one where your legs are shaky, and you’re dizzy and short of breath?

I think it’s pretty much the best feeling in the world. It means you’ve pushed yourself to your own limit, and you can feel yourself getting stronger. There is no better feeling in the world than being 4.5 miles into a run, and knowing your body has what it takes to make it to the finish. During, and for a few minutes after that run, I am invincible.

Running, for me, has always been a form of therapy. It’s one I’ve been turning to a lot lately. Some people need to talk things over. Some need a counselor. Me? I’ve never been very good at expressing myself. Putting my feelings into words has always been difficult for me, and I tend to avoid doing so. I’m getting better at it, but I still sound like a bumbling idiot sometimes when I try to express myself. That’s why I turn to running. I will stop for a while, but I always end up starting back up again.

I won’t say why I’ve been turning to my own form of therapy lately. Some of you know what’s going on in my life right now, but I’m not one to air my dirty laundry on the internet. If you don’t know, but you want to, just ask me. But, I will say I’ve recently realized I’ve given up a lot of myself in the past few years. I have put many of my goals aside, and given up some personal connections, which I regret every day. I have made it a personal goal to begin try to reach those dreams I once had, and I have been working reconnect with people I’ve lost contact with. If you’re one of those connections, and you think it’s too late, know that I am truly sorry, and I completely regret losing the friendship we once had.

Anyone who knows me knows that music plays a huge part in my life. I may not have any musical talent of my own, I’ve always found comfort in lyrics. Anyone who knows me also knows my love for the band Anberlin, and that their music has gotten me through more than one rough patch in my life. One of their songs stuck out to me on my run tonight, especially the very last section of it. I think it does a better job of explaining my feelings than I could myself at the moment.

“Don't wanna leave this world knowing I breathed in vain.
Looked out for myself, so sorry so ashamed.
Don't wanna leave this life knowing I barely tried
To chase down all my dreams that I hid away on the inside.

Live; I wanna live on fire.
Die; I wanna burn out brighter;
Brighter than the Northern lights.
I wanna live to feel the daylight.
The more I live I see, this life's not about me”

If anyone made their way through this whole post: Thanks. I’m sure all of this sounds jumbled and nonsensical, but it helps to put some of this into words. I’m not necessarily writing these for anyone to read them, but it’s there if you want to.

Keep on Keepin’ on. J